From the recording RIVER
This is a very personal record for me because I expose my inner feelings quite a bit on this one. I remember literally breaking down after I finished recording the demo. Crying my eyes out. I almost kept this unreleased. I loved and lost more times than I care to remember. Needing, wanting and longing to be loved and when it happened I ran, sabotaged, doubted, stopped short. Never allowing myself to completely open my heart to give and receive love. What's crazy I'm a very loving and compassionate person. I LOVE love. Finally I had to come to a place where I didn't want lose anymore or anyone else due to my reservations and fears about the unknown or my past which led to no love in reserve. DON'T HOLD BACK! It's OK to love with all your heart.
The track is cinematic in feel with some tension and drama like the story in the lyrics. I had never attempted to sing a song with vibrato but I felt it best convey the sadness and fragileness of my state of mind when writing it and that was for the 2015 demo. When it came time to re-record it for the album I was hesitant because I knew I would have to go back to that space emotionally to deliver it with the same believability as the demo without trying to mimic it. That was so hard and to be honest it was the last song I did because there was some dread there revisiting that dark place. What you hear is not acting, it's real.
I brought my guitar playing to forefront on this album more than any others in the past and my solo on this song is probably one of the most powerful guitar solos I've ever recorded because I was still in that emotional space when I did it.
Lyrics
Verse 1
Inside my darkness you were my light
You gave me promise when there was no hope in sight
My heart is so damaged, can't you see all these scars
I stand in amazement
That we made it this far
In one instant love finds me, the next moment it's gone
With no rhyme or no reason and I'm left holding on
Distorted images from my past
Of the different loves that didn't last
It's like living in hell
Chorus
No love in reserve
No more holding back
From what I need and deserve
A love that will stay and will not leave
I won't run and hide from the very thing I want not no more
I'm breaking the chains that are binding me
Verse 2
I try to find reasons for you to move on
But you see right through me, and never leave me alone
You must love projects and I know that I'm one
Why are you here?
Second thought don't answer I know
You are an angel sent from heaven on high
God knew I was drowning but he wouldn't let me die
So you chose to love me, the broken man that I am
And now I understand
Chorus
No love in reserve
No more holding back
From what I need and deserve
A love that will stay and will not leave
I won't run and hide from the very thing I want not no more
I'm breaking the chains that are binding me
Guitar solo